with a cough cough here...

I have been looking forward to spending the summer with Evalee since, well, last September. Last summer was so hard with adjusting to our new lives as parents, dealing with the colic, learning breastfeeding, etc. so I envisioned a summer filled with learning and day trips and guilt free playing. And for the first two weeks, that's exactly what we did.

And then I got sick. Now, I had had a cough for weeks -- just an annoyance that I just couldn't shake, even with a trip to the doctor and a prescription. But then one morning I woke up and couldn't get out of bed. My throat was so, so sore, my stomach was queasy, my head was pounding, my whole body couldn't stop shivering, and the cough. Oh boy the cough. Needless to say, I was a mess. This is where the guilt set in. I spent all day on the couch watching daytime television and moaning while Evalee attempted to entertain herself. I could barely sit upright without my head pounding so hard I would get dizzy, so she was really on her own. I considered taking her to daycare, but I didn't think I was up for the drive. I couldn't have been more relieved when I heard that garage door opening, signaling that Travis was finally home from work. The following days were a bit easier than the first, but I still didn't have much energy for playing and being that mom I had envisioned throughout the whole school year. And I felt so, so guilty. Here I was, wasting away the sunlight in the living room on the couch, watching hours of PBS with my daughter, despite my goal of limiting her television time each day. I felt so selfish, as we often do when we are sick. I wanted it to be all about ME and how I wanted/needed a nap or a 7Up or whatever. And of course, it can't be all about you when you are taking care of a toddler, nor should it be. You have to wait to nap until she naps. You have to wait to get a 7Up when you get the chance to go downstairs and get one. You have to keep making your child your priority. And as awful as it sounds, that's really hard when you feel as crappy as I did.

One by one the symptoms went away until I could at least stack blocks and read books and do most of the normal things, but that darn cough just wouldn't go away. I coughed so often and so hard that I was running to the bathroom in fear of throwing up constantly. So, I finally gave in and went to the doctor, again, and got a prescription, again.

And finally this week, I am back on track to being the super mom I wanted to be. I think those couple weeks of "blah" were a good thing, in the end. Evalee learned how to play by herself and make her own fun, even if it wasn't the "ideal" fun I hoped for. I learned that you can't always be supermom, even if you have the best of intentions. Sometimes you just have to give in and settle for just making it from breakfast to bath time alive. It has also renewed my sense of purpose in making the most out of every single day I get to spend with my daughter until it's time to go back to work. This is the only summer where she'll be a crazy babbling one year old filled with wonder, energy, and more energy. I won't let it pass me by.